Feelings Thoughts

I used to think not expressing my emotions was a superpower. At one point in my childhood, I decided to not let people know when they hurt me or how much it hurt. I'm not sure if it was from abuse in the home or from the bullying in school. But either way, I made a (sub)conscious decision to "switch off" my emotions. Sexual harassment; being sent a note telling me to kill myself to better the middle school class; being threatened with violence for having too big a fake smile; being bullied by the same coworkers who were assigned with my 2-week orientation; no big deal. This is not a brag. It is actually very unfortunate that I didn't have a "safe haven" where I could be vulnerable and express emotions. The default emotions that I could express were the extremes: anger, super happy/entertained, depressed, but interestingly not love.

So, yeah. I was fairly stoic. It is VERY unhealthy to bottle up emotions or to avoid feeling them. It took a lot of therapy and work to be able to name my emotions. I had to learn to identify the non-extreme emotions. And then I had to accept them and feel them. It is not an easy thing, and I will probably have to work on it for my whole life. I think the accepting my feelings is the hardest part. Taking ownership of them and living in the moment to experience them has helped some of my anxiety. I think that by seeking to have emotional integrity and living sincerely... well, life isn't all sunshine and daisies. But the dark and grey times don't last as long.

One benefit that did come from living sincerely was being ready for love. Now I should clarify something. I don't buy into the fantasy of infatuation and love at first sight or any of that nonsense. I believe that love is knowing the person you partner with and choosing to be with them, knowing their weaknesses/nasty parts and the good bits. I had had a few opportunities for love, but I wasn't ready for it. I had some serious damage that needed to be worked on. I needed to change some of my faulty paradigms in order to have a willingness to accept another's paradigms as a part of my life. Lots of psychobabble later, I was mentally and emotionally ready for a meaningful relationship. I was fortunate to meet my spouse in September of 2013. We had our first date on September 12, and we got married exactly one year later.

As an aside for this post, I noticed that many people who read this blog are routing through Poland. Funny story... My mom is half-Polish. Her grandfather was from Konieczkowa and grandmother was from Galicia. My parents raised me in a very Slavic household. I have fond memories of the traditions and history that were and are an integral part of my life.

Here's a cute picture of Hippo to finish the post.

She didn't actually eat the cookies, but she had grabbed the box and her expression just fit for a cookie shame picture.

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