Through the Clouds

This is a difficult post to write. I get riled up every time I think about this topic. There will come many times where you must stand up for your own space and access, AND when you'll need to protect your service dog. Some people think that it is acceptable to pet service dogs or to distract them because they are so cute/beautiful/well behaved. These people forget in their compulsion to pet all animals that your service animal is a working dog and shouldn't be distracted. It doesn't occur to them that in their pursuit of the pleasure of doggie softness they are preventing a working animal from doing their job. I know this wouldn't happen with a bomb or drug-detecting dog. But somehow some people think that it is acceptable to impose their affections on a service dog of unknown tasks. This has happened many times to Hippo and me. I haven't always been as strong in speaking up. It is hard, demanding people leave me and mine alone. Here are a few examples of how peo...

So there was a reason for writing about feelings in my last post. In my research, I learned that it is common for people with PTSD to struggle with identifying and expressing emotions. It can be frustrating, feeling strong emotions but having an impairment in expressing them. I called this blog "Through the Clouds" because I have found that living with mental illness can be like trying to sight navigate a plane on a cloudy day. Sometimes it's difficult to see your hand in front of your face. Other times there is a break from the confusion and you can see for miles. (I also named it this because I am a 6' tall woman and still  get comments about the weather up here as an adult.) I think our emotions can play a part in the creation/nurturing of the clouds. Not to say there is any sort of morality or whatever about feelings. This isn't an anthropomorphizing of emotions. But our feelings, how we interpret them, and how we express them CAN hinder our movement through...

I used to think not expressing my emotions was a superpower. At one point in my childhood, I decided to not let people know when they hurt me or how much it hurt. I'm not sure if it was from abuse in the home or from the bullying in school. But either way, I made a (sub)conscious decision to "switch off" my emotions. Sexual harassment; being sent a note telling me to kill myself to better the middle school class; being threatened with violence for having too big a fake smile; being bullied by the same coworkers who were assigned with my 2-week orientation; no big deal. This is not a brag. It is actually very unfortunate that I didn't have a "safe haven" where I could be vulnerable and express emotions. The default emotions that I could  express were the extremes: anger, super happy/entertained, depressed, but interestingly not love. So, yeah. I was fairly stoic. It is VERY unhealthy to bottle up emotions or to avoid feeling them. It took a lot of therapy a...

Public access can be a logistical nightmare. When I go out with my service dog, I have to think about her comfort, bathrooming, grooming, location, weather... Her comfort is of concern because cold floors, or hot asphalt, can harm her. I carry a small blanket for her to sit upon when we go out for extended times and I know that the floor will be tile or concrete. And I bought her shoes, to protect her paws from temperatures hot enough to cook food. (I will repeat this often: If the ground is too hot for your bare feet, it is too hot for a dog's paws.) Bathrooming is important. Nobody wants a dog to eliminate in public places. I always make sure to bathroom before leaving home and look for likely emergency places for her to eliminate when we reach our destination. It's mortifying for Hippo, and it's kind of annoying to clean up waste from carpets, etc. Grooming is very important. Service dogs are ambassadors for other service dogs. And Hippo is also an ambassador for pitbull...

One of the things Hippo's trainer warned me about was that my having a disability would no longer be hidden. People would see a dog in a vest and take it as an invitation to ask questions and start conversations. I will admit to having grown a touch of social anxiety. It unnerves me, being the center of attention. Ironically though, I can hold long conversations with strangers and do all forms of public speaking easily, so long as it doesn't involve being vulnerable or talking about myself. So whenever people talk to me about Hippo, service dogs, fake service dogs, emotional support animals or anything in that general arena, I am perfectly comfortable engaging with complete strangers. The secret is that I am not the topic of conversation, its my service dog. This actually happened today. I was waiting in the military medical center's lab area, needing to get some labwork done. I had found a seat for myself, and situated Hippo laying down on the floor with her face toward...

I gave myself some time to rest up and recuperate from my ear surgery. It was definitely needed. What I had done was a eustachian tube dilation and insertion of tubes, in both ears. I have been plagued with chronic ear infections for my whole life. The ENT doctor I saw recommended doing them both but asked if I'd be okay doing it in the office. I gave him a firm "no" and scheduled a same-day surgery for March 1st. I realize that some people may see it as being a bit extra, asking for general anesthesia for such a simple procedure. But I know myself. Remaining still whilst that procedure was performed on my awake body, all up in my head, was untenable. Add in the distress that it would have caused my service dog as she sat nearby watching it... Not really an option. So, surgery in the early morning followed closely by much rest were exactly what I needed. I'm still a bit sore, which is to be expected. But I'm already feeling some better. Hippo has been a champ thro...